I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
