and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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