My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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