So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
