Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
