Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
