A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
