if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
