i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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