Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
