I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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