My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
