I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
