If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I think my moral compass just broke
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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