Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Is it because I queefed?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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