on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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