there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i will never coherently bang her
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
