Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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