I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
