He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
