If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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