I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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