i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
