yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
