last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
