I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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