Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
