and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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