dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
