I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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