If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
