the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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