Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
