his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
