I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
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