He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
