i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you inspire me to be a worse person
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Still dying that you shit outside
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
