11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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