If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
