I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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