do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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