I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
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You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
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I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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