i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
