you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
