eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
