We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
