Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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