i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
