Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
