Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
