I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
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Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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