That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
