I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
