Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
